I’m single because I finally want to be. Because after breaking up with a boyfriend of almost two years, a boyfriend who came in a succession of boyfriend after boyfriend, sometimes multiple boyfriends at the same time, long term relationships in which I fell in love every time, I realized that I…
I’ve been loved and I’ve loved hard but never in it, always just off to the side. Always just a circling the drain. I never fell. On the outside looking in. I was never pushed. I figured out what “normal” looked like in a relationship and I tried to emulate it as best I could….
There is not TIME in your DAY to remind someone of how wonderful you are. And not in the Tyra Banks Disney Channel movie self-empowerment way, either. In the factual way. In the way that if someone does not speak French, and you are walking around speaking French all day long, it’s just not a fair exchange. You do not have TIME on this EARTH to tread water and slow down to educate some idiot re: why you’re an asset and a treasure and an honor to be around. If he can’t figure it out, he’s a moron. Done. Next. It’s actually that easy. And I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but goddammit you need to fall in love with someone who looks at you and is like, “Holy crap, here is the human! Here is the human that is different from all of the other humans!” and if you’re fucking around with anything less than that, then you’re wasting your own time more than anything else, and as your friend I’m just not going to stand for it. This guy does not love you. You don’t even love him, you just want him to like you because WHY DOESNT HE? But at the end of the day, fuck it, my angel. Fuck it, and fuck him, you do not have TIME in your DAY to solve extra credit math problems. You are too busy being wonderful.
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| — | my friend just forwarded me an email I wrote to him a year ago and this is the key takaway I think all people could benefit from (via drinkyourjuice) |
The goal is to be unafraid when you love.
To turn your shoulder towards the winds and push on.
To be relentless in your pursuit of it.
To be fearless and unafraid.We are so bold in anger and confrontation and so scared and meek in love. Quick to tell someone off or to give them a piece of your mind. Slow to place your heart in their hands and say, “Take care of this.” Fear is a trigger. I wish love was a trigger. I wish it was what made me tremble and took my breath and made me dizzy. I want to live in the cliché. I want to exist in the love song. Let me be mountain high and river deep. Not tabletop and puddle afraid.
This has to change.
Something has to be done differently. The goal is to be fearless in pursuit of all things you love. To be loud and unapologetic. No more apologies for who you love and how you choose to love them. Fuck that. Love them until you don’t. If they don’t love you back, then cool. Let them live in fear of you and all your neon-colored love. Find someone who will love you just as neon and flashing lights. Leave these beige and understated folks to each other. Let them have this neutral. This safe. This without risks. This comfortable. Let them have these ankles barely wet with it. Give me a drowning. Give me up to my neck in it. Give me a boat and an oar. Let me love an ocean’s worth. Fuck this playing it safe. This afraid to be hurt. We hurt. and we live through it. Fuck fear. Love anyway. Meditate on that.
